Solitude

this concept of "unconditional" is so fleeting. we dont really mean it. we mean, "I love you as long as u sit in this box I've placed u in. As long as u abide by the rules I've set. I'll love you as long as you love me the way I want you to." Nobody really loves unconditionally anymore, not even me, so understand, I'm not judging. Just stating facts.

It's been awhile since I've written this much. Probably why my ass was half crazy at the bottom of a bottle every night. But not last night. Last night I just cried. I let it come out until it wanted to stop. I convulsed. Sobbed uncontrollably. didnt even blow my nasty ass nose. just let that shit drop on my dress. looked at it like, "damn. a sculture of exactly how I feel." an hour or so later, i felt like I did before. just with a clear head. and dry face. clean dress. in that moment of clarity, i came to terms with something abt myself:

I'm petrified of loneliness. not like, scared a little, just dont wanna be alone. I mean like will do some crazy shit just to be around mofos, jst dont wanna be by myself. call bitchz I dont like and smile all in their face type shit. But not last night. Last night, i just wanted to bask in some solitude for once. and the shit was phenomenal. I got things accomplished. i had more than a moment to think; i had hours. and lawdy lawd, those thoughts...they definitely put some things into perspective.

like for one, I'm not as perfect as I think I am, especially when i feel fucked over or hurt. I can be quite an evil lil bitch. whole time, i kinda knew that in the back of my head but I never thought I would use that against someone I really loved. i always thought that was on reserve for people I didnt really fuck with like that to begin with.

another thing, trust is the absolute most important thing in the world to me. at first I thought it was jst trusting in someone's words. but no. i really need to trust in ur actions too. i need to kno i would never have to worry abt bein hurt physically or emotionally as long as that certain someone is around. that means not questioning your integrity or love for me. trusting that u would never disrespect me, not even for shits and giggles. if i don't trust you, what is the point of ur life? at least with regard to mine.

putting those two things together, i realized ive got to learn to trust in me more. know that i'll make the right decisions for me. always.

when i left, it was because i had to. and if i go back, it'll be because I need to. and if i start something new....well u get the point. as it stands, i dont know what is best for me. for my growth. for my happiness. on the one hand, i have someone that, thru all the nonsense and bullshit, still loves me jst the same. but then theres that nonsense and bullshit. do i really want to deal with that? then i have someone that i can see something amazing blossoming....but there are so many flowers in the field. or so I think but even if there aren't, it feels like thr are. do i wanna deal with that? constantly feeling like one of many?

honestly, the better question is should I deal with either? this whole thing has become so entirely confusing, I feel lost in it all. at least now i can find solace in my solitude. i'm not afraid of making a decision that leaves me curled up with a snake, a book, and a highlighter. I'm absolutely ok with that for once in my life.

i finally understand the different between being with yourself and being by yourself. I'm ok with me. being with me is awesomeness.