Solitude

this concept of "unconditional" is so fleeting. we dont really mean it. we mean, "I love you as long as u sit in this box I've placed u in. As long as u abide by the rules I've set. I'll love you as long as you love me the way I want you to." Nobody really loves unconditionally anymore, not even me, so understand, I'm not judging. Just stating facts.

It's been awhile since I've written this much. Probably why my ass was half crazy at the bottom of a bottle every night. But not last night. Last night I just cried. I let it come out until it wanted to stop. I convulsed. Sobbed uncontrollably. didnt even blow my nasty ass nose. just let that shit drop on my dress. looked at it like, "damn. a sculture of exactly how I feel." an hour or so later, i felt like I did before. just with a clear head. and dry face. clean dress. in that moment of clarity, i came to terms with something abt myself:

I'm petrified of loneliness. not like, scared a little, just dont wanna be alone. I mean like will do some crazy shit just to be around mofos, jst dont wanna be by myself. call bitchz I dont like and smile all in their face type shit. But not last night. Last night, i just wanted to bask in some solitude for once. and the shit was phenomenal. I got things accomplished. i had more than a moment to think; i had hours. and lawdy lawd, those thoughts...they definitely put some things into perspective.

like for one, I'm not as perfect as I think I am, especially when i feel fucked over or hurt. I can be quite an evil lil bitch. whole time, i kinda knew that in the back of my head but I never thought I would use that against someone I really loved. i always thought that was on reserve for people I didnt really fuck with like that to begin with.

another thing, trust is the absolute most important thing in the world to me. at first I thought it was jst trusting in someone's words. but no. i really need to trust in ur actions too. i need to kno i would never have to worry abt bein hurt physically or emotionally as long as that certain someone is around. that means not questioning your integrity or love for me. trusting that u would never disrespect me, not even for shits and giggles. if i don't trust you, what is the point of ur life? at least with regard to mine.

putting those two things together, i realized ive got to learn to trust in me more. know that i'll make the right decisions for me. always.

when i left, it was because i had to. and if i go back, it'll be because I need to. and if i start something new....well u get the point. as it stands, i dont know what is best for me. for my growth. for my happiness. on the one hand, i have someone that, thru all the nonsense and bullshit, still loves me jst the same. but then theres that nonsense and bullshit. do i really want to deal with that? then i have someone that i can see something amazing blossoming....but there are so many flowers in the field. or so I think but even if there aren't, it feels like thr are. do i wanna deal with that? constantly feeling like one of many?

honestly, the better question is should I deal with either? this whole thing has become so entirely confusing, I feel lost in it all. at least now i can find solace in my solitude. i'm not afraid of making a decision that leaves me curled up with a snake, a book, and a highlighter. I'm absolutely ok with that for once in my life.

i finally understand the different between being with yourself and being by yourself. I'm ok with me. being with me is awesomeness.

Poof!

And sooo. I pressed send afterall. Multiple times. Nothing came of it. Just like I knew it wouldn’t. just like nothing came of us. I spent so much energy trying to understand and be understood that I forgot what the message ever was. Forgot who I was. It’s amazing how I’m the culprit. The woman that went out of her way to make sure you ate and pushed her pride to the side to make sure you could enjoy life is the enemy.

That’s so dope.

I wanna live in that space. Where I did nothing wrong and everything was someone else’s fault. It must be fucking amazing to wake up in the morning and feeling like this was the easiest thing in the world to deal with. I wanna feel THAT shit.

More importantly, I don’t want to feel what it is that I’m feeling. Like a fucking fool that gave too much and received a “you asking for too much” in return. But that’s whats up. Sometimes it just be like that. Right? We get in these situations and they consume our everything until we’ve been fucking gobbled up in a heap of finger pointing and pseudo-confidences in our justifications.

And where am I now? In between putting the pieces back together while starting a new puzzle. The fuck am I thinking?

These bitchz be acting up and I aint in the mood to be the director of a new movie. I’m jst trying to watch a couple previews and see what happens.

What I wont do is watch this movie again. Ever. Note to u bitch: You never made anything easier for me. Don’t kid yourself. This is the worst breakup I’ve ever had. You need to grow up and understand that ignoring things do NOT make them go away.

But ignoring me will make me disappear.

Never again.

two page text message staring back at me. i dont know what to do with myself. sending .... i cant send. it implies entirely too much and could never say enough. it's interesting to be in this space. again. i thought i got past this. but that statement....in all of it's esoteric greatness...it stung. bc i knew exactly what it meant. i knew all along.

screen going blank, i'm left to stare back at my tear-stained face. each drop a reminder: never again.

Friendship remains...

I have such a tendency to do wayyy too much. and this time is no exception. after all this time, the attraction is definitely still there. But, unfortunately, not the longevity. She's about distance and space when I focus solely on closing that gap. i have the capacity to make those sacrifices but not the will nor the desire. These are the reasons I don't date friends. Once you break the seal, it can never go back to what it used to be.

But the question is: Do I even want it to?