Coke Lines

Your pain is no excuse.
Disdained and abused,
There is no recuse for my stupidity.
You outwitted me,
Bullshitted me,
Still I stood there
Clean,
Pure,
Unadulterated lust dressed in lover's silk
Wavering gently in your smooth
Coolness.

It's moments like this when I wish I'd never met you.

Look. Your eyes are pissing.

I think back to summer days. Early 90s.

Where is mommy?

Sarafina on the 26 inch, color. Encyclopedia in lap. Sandwich on bed. Thirsty...I'll drink from the bathroom sink; the kitchen sink is harder to reach. Or maybe Sarafina will save me from my thirst. She's my super hero.

Back then, she kept me sane. Kept me focused. If she could take all that, the beatings and killings, this meant nothing. Where she would be slapped, I'd be looked at. Sternly. What kind of coward would I be to cry? There is nothing to cry about. Dead bodies do not surround me. Though gun fire awakens me nightly, it's rarely close enough to do me much harm. (I still slept on the floor many nights, too afraid bullets would grow wings and reach my fifth floor boudoir.)

About 5:15 into this video, I hear life's voice echoing through time. Hinting at my death if I rebelled or thought about fighting back...against poverty, ignorance, commonality, fitting in, cycles of addiction and abuse. How any resistance to its treacherous plan to have me be anything but the greatest, any deviance from the path of crack babies, baby daddies, jagged keloid memories across my face would result in death by failure and disappointment. But Sarafina, she made it clear: there are far worse things than death.





This movie helped raise me. Taught me to be a fighter, to stand up not only for what I believed in, but for what was right. Moreover, it taught me to make sure the two coincided, if not always, often. I am by far no Sarafina, but I refuse to let my transgressors see my eyes piss. I saw how close she was to flat lining when they saw hers.

PS

First one to get me this on DVD gets a prize.

Fear God

Sooooo word on the street is this sexy bitch

















got a baby by this dude























and that's fine....my only problem is, in addition to fearing God, I'mma just need you to be scared of a dude crazy enough to get his freakin eyelids tattooed. this man wanted to get a message out so bad he risked losing his eyesight. i don't know how i feel about that.

then again if u creative enough to think to tattoo your lids, i guess that would explain their naked entanglement. but I digress. the beautiful thing is, even though they weren't happy about the pregnancy, she didn't use abortion as a form of birth control.

they gon raise a baby yall!

Vacate Nonsense's Premises

Woke up this morning, decided today would be better than yesterday. Started this year determined it would be better than last year. Promised myself I would stop making promises. Decided to stay single so I could meet my future wife. Even said I would stop shopping so I could take more trips (for which I would need to shop). But this morning, I decided I was being too controlling of my own life. Speaking to someone from my past of my recent shenanigans, I hear myself turning into a me I worked so hard not to become. I am becoming less mature, more worrisome about nonsense.

I need to vacate nonsense's premises...and I mean that in both the ways you just thought it, or at least should have. I've clearly been on vacation here wayyyy too long. Meditation beckons. I haven't in weeks...ok months...and I know it's not good to starve my soul but I thought it'd be the easiest way to lose weight since my heart's been so heavy lately. I realize now exercising love makes it stronger...makes me stronger.

I'm in this for the long haul. I ain't never been scared to bust a sweat.

*delete*

soooo I'm cleaning out my emails, cuz even though I've transitioned into my new career, it's new. they're tryna go easy on me...anyhoo, I come across this email from this slutbucket .... I'm sorry, this female I used to "date" for lack of a better work. Since I spoke on this issue before, I won't even get myself riled up. it was foolish on my behalf to trust my safety to anyone. Ms. Morrison tells me that all the time. I'm over it. No, I don't forgive her, but I acknowledge how I can only blame myself for allowing someone to have me in a space like that to begin with. Contrary to popular belief, there are some things not worth forgiving. She is one of them.

But you know what really pisses me off (said in Buddi's voice)? When someone apologizes in such a way as to make you realize that they are patronizing you, merely conducting the act of the apology just to appear righteous....when there are double and triple entendres littered through the piece (because clearly this type of apology is an artform of master manipulators) so as to have you question not only the motive of the communication, but the "real" message behind it, that is what really pisses me off.

The audacity of hoes.

This is ooo so typical of this said slutbucket (screw it, she is one). I almost responded viciously and without compassion; instead, I decided to ignore her. Or did I? Sometimes it's hard for me to discern what's even real anymore.

Nonetheless, in this message she mentioned one of two things:

1. She reads my blog. To that I say, "Good for you. My creativity and my ability to completely wipe someone out have nothing to do with each other. The more the merrier. Also, since you're probably reading this, it implies that you did not take my advice in previous communications to kill yourself. Do so immediately. Thank you."

2. She includes this:

ek het jou lief
ana behibek
bung srorlagn oun
mi aime jou
Ik hou van jou
ewedishalehu
je t'aime, je t'adore
ich liebe dich
ti amo
amo-te
333 (roman numerials...that one is tough)
mo ni fe
ndinokuda
seni seviyorum
phom rak khun
ua Here Vau Ia Oe


I dont know what the hell that means. one line in there, possibly two, is french. the rest....got me. The funny thing is I used to care enough to try and figure it out because anything she said was golden. These days I recognize spray paint don't shimmer quite so dull. *delete*

I'm thirsty

For some reason she makes me think of milk and cookies.




I think it's the gloves.....(if you thought of cookies and some apple juice when I said cookies above, please kill yourself immediately. I just did.) I'll drink to that.

Ok I get it

You guys want me to start writing again...I am....I have tons to say. Give me a minute tho...i gotta work first.