I Love Our Fights

I think the integrity of a relationship can be measured by the ease of disagreements. When two lovers disagree and can find a harmonious balance, can completely understand each point of view without losing focus of self, can alter views not previously held without need for huge voices dripping minute details of previous altercations, can coalesce ideas so seamlessly, fluidly, easily … that is how you measure a relationship.

We have the worst fights and the best make-ups. I love her like I’ve never loved. She has this strange hold on me. Like magic. Like I can’t get away from her. Like she won’t go away from me. Like she is trapped within the confines of my soul and the only release would be death. I feel like I’m dying when she’s not near me. Like my only reason for having breath lies in the capabilities of her lungs.

That’s what being in love is like? Like … like necessity? Like a hunger, a yearning, a lusting, a dire need to complete some negativity with the positivity of its shear existence? The yin and yang of it all? Like eating food cuz you’re hungry or bathing because you’re dirty?

No. No. No.

It’s not like that at all. It’s so much more intense than that. It’s like the pain of holding your tinkle when you have to poo. Like holding your breath when you’re under water. Oh oh! It’s like that feeling you get when you’re coughing and you need some water. That pain. That need. That’s in love. The kind of in love that just won’t quit til what it needs is what it gets and you won’t be right without it even when the shit is dead ass wrong.

Like now.

Or is that just the fucked up kinda love I’ve been in? Am in? Was in? Still wondering how the hell I let myself get in?

But damn….that feeling of satisfaction … nothing is better. That relief. Perhaps that is the real love. Perhaps it is the relief and the intensity of the relief that describes in love. The passion of the yearning and force of the desire and the craziness you’ll perform to get it what it wants that really constitutes as love.

I’m not sure. But what I do know is I’ve never been in love before now. And thru all the bullshit and conflict, I look in her eyes when she talks to me, never want to let go when she hugs me. And I’ll curse her ass out one mo gin if she would just twist my twirls like that again tonight.