Your Notness

My absolute existence is not the total sum of you. When I am mad, you are not the other thing that pisses me off. When I am sad, it may not have been you that saddened me. I giggle when you don’t make me laugh. Piss when you don’t pour my drink. Bathe when you don’t make me sweat. Shit when you don’t feed me. My life, my thoughts, and my emotions are not always about you. I have desires and epiphanies and memories and needs and thoughts and hungers… none of which are encompassed by you.

If they were, they wouldn’t amount to much. They would only be thoughts of desires, never transferred into actually being anything. Since we’re on the topic of you, what is it that you will be?

Actually, what I really mean is when. When will you be something…anything??? When will you actually have a job and not a short-term paycheck? When will you actually master your insecurities, masked in the guise of temper tantrums and volatile behavior? When will you become a woman and stop being a child? I am leaving you because of the many things that you are the plentitude that is your notness. (I like that word: notness. It describes you perfectly.)

When days and months and semi-decades become silly inside jokes and mental photo albums and you’re still a plentitude of notness, remember me and be ashamed. Be ashamed for trying to share your notness with me and being angry because I don’t want that bitchassness you call a relationship. Be ashamed that you wasted my time and resources and orgasms on your notness by somehow confusing wishing for determination.

Yes.

You be ashamed for every scratch, every misnomer, every red cent paid for replacements and your needs that came out of my pocket and deep from my soul.

You.

Be.

A-fucking-shamed!

I am. I’m ashamed of myself for putting up with you for so long. For mistaking your wishes for lack of determination. I am so ashamed that I believed in the false reality that will not be our future. Ashamed that I boasted of the infinity of our love. Ashamed because I believed in you when you never believed in yourself.